Waning Motivations

I'm having a hard time sitting down to write. I want to, and I don't -- want to, I mean.

I have some learning to do and other things related to moving from Wordpress to Ghost. I love the new site. It's clean. I was going to write another description there, but clean is all I meant.

Still, Markdown -- which has some syntax to learn -- takes getting used to. The support is phenomenal though, and it's not hard to figure out what you're doing.

If you follow the old blog site, you have seen that not only is it still there, but new posts are still coming out. I haven't adjusted the publishing schedule, so there will be at least one new post each week through mid-February. Because of this there may be some differences and some overlap between the two sites for a time as I complete the changeover. Eventually, of course, I will stop working with the Wordpress site altogether.

The evenings have been rough, and I guess, that's when I usually write. Someone asked me just yesterday what was different at night, and I instinctively answered, "the kids go to bed."

It's true, though, I haven't put a word on it before. Around 8/8:30PM it starts getting quiet. Especially nights when Boobah goes to bed on his own. No more laughing. No more questions. No more arguments or hugs or being shot at by electric laser guns. Often, it's me and the laundry, the dishes, and the TV. Usually, that's fine. Sometimes, it isn't.

Sadness, like this, is something that I grab on to. It's partly to do with the meds, partly to do with the difficulty of changing coping patterns. I admit I don't like the mood stabilizer. The antidepressant I can handle -- though, I guess, I don't like it either. I feel pretty moderate all the time, and I'd rather have extremes. Life is made of passions. I'm pretty sure it's just my perception, but that doesn't save me from hanging on tight to any feeling I can clearly identify.

In the quiet I can identify pain, and I think, "well, it's better than nothing." And I cry all over my Sudoku.

A few days saw some slowing down on my housework. Laundry piled up. Dishes piled up. Dirty children piled up.

Sleeping too much. Letting myself get dehydrated and overly hungry.

We took two days off of school for this reason -- in addition to the day of planning I took on Monday this week. I'm back on track now.

Aren't we behind?

Well, no. Teachers need sick days and what we used to call In Service Days for planning and organization. That's fine. Also, our schedule is very flexible. During the huge snowstorm we had this past weekend, we still had regular school days. Except for Monday, we had our regular lessons each day this week while the public schools have been closed.

No one complained. My kids probably don't know what a Snow Day really is. They think it's just a day that it snows.