Why do I exist?
I ask myself this question all the time. My kids ask me; they ask each other. My husband and I take turns tossing it back and forth as we teeter through life, one hour full of faith and the next, uncertainty.
I ask myself this question all the time. My kids ask me; they ask each other. My husband and I take turns tossing it back and forth
It's a question worth answering, if an answer is possible, and it has become an anchor for me at times when I'm losing some stability. We know and say the catechism answer, but in our house the call and response most often goes like this: Q- "Why did God make you?" A- "Because he wanted to."
Time and again this assertion -- God created all, including me, according to his own desire -- has settled me. In the settling, there is a deep fear, a knowledge (or acknowledgement) of my own insignificance in the light of the unfathomably immense significance of God. Everything else becomes second, at most, and I become so small.
I know, it must sound discouraging. In the depths of the apathy of depression, don't you want to know how important, bright, special you are? Yes. And also no. And mostly no.
In the depths of the apathy of depression, don't you want to know how important, bright, special you are?
My preschool son, five-years-old, has had one memory verse for about a year now. He knows it well: "In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth." Many times throughout our weeks I will say aloud, "In the beginning," and Chester will finish proudly, "God created the heavens and the earth." It's as much for my benefit as it is for his; it may be true that it is more for me than him. There is something calming for me here, not simply temporarily affecting my mood for the better, but changing everything.
One of my favorite movie scenes came to mind just now, from A Boy Named Charlie Brown. (I wanted to embed the video here, but I don't wish to infringe. Also, it's the end of the movie, so the following quote is a spoiler.)
Linus: Well, I can understand how you feel. You worked hard, studying for the spelling bee, and I suppose you feel you let everyone down, and you made a fool of yourself and everything. But did you notice something, Charlie Brown?
Charlie Brown: What's that?
Linus: The world didn't come to an end.
After that, Charlie Brown got out of bed and continued life.
Featured picture: "cocoon" by GLady via Pixaby